My choices and reasons for doing this can vary from day to day, but I passionately and determinedly believe that I am doing it for the right reasons.
One of the reasons became clear only once I actually started to write it.
It was immensely healing.
It clarified who I am to myself. What I value. What is important to me.
As the day that my words become whole book, manifested into the form of a tangible thing, something I can hold in my hand; it also becomes apparent that there is always more healing and learning that I will need. One thing that has come up for me again recently, which trigger my memories, insecurities and open the door on my fears about the choices I’ve made are these comments:
‘Just let it go’ and ‘She just needs to move on’
I am sure that many of you who have experienced abuse trauma will have heard a version of this if you, too, have spoken openly and continue to speak openly, about it.
When you read my story you will see that I use spirituality to help me heal. You will see that I believe in the ideal that we can indeed heal, move on – even thrive. However, hearing the words ‘let it go’ or ‘move on’ can be like having knitting needles shoved into my ears and a knife plunged straight into my heart. They are often delivered in that disdainful and eye rolling manner and make you feeling like an unloved, unimportant annoyance.
It’s like they really just want to say “For god sake shut up about it already. Stop throwing your pain at me. It is not my fault you got so damaged and I take no responsibility for it. You are making me incredibly uncomfortable by making me look at you and think about this thing again. Will you just go the f@#k away and fade into the background, so the rest of us don’t have to deal with our own cowardly inability to help you, support you and try to change what went wrong’ Our abuse is a major and significant part of who we are and how our identity is formed. To heal, we need to find ways to integrate this part of ourselves into the whole and healed being we aim to become.
For me, this is how I am moving on. By writing about it. By talking about it. By not pushing it down into the shame filled spaces inside my subconscious mind and having it turn me into its puppet. By sharing my feelings and experiences, releasing them from inside of me, I give them freedom in the form of words.
My thoughts, actions and choices are making me into a newer better version of myself.
I hope they help others to feel a sense that we are not alone in our pain. As it is shared, it is diminished in its intensity. Like it is no longer my own personal war, but that I am a soldier in the army of abuse survivors.
I hope my words and actions will help others to seek ways to heal themselves. To know that our determination to overcome can bring us the sense of self worth that was taken from us. This part of me is the part that will not be subdued and will not remain in victimisation.
What others are interpreting as me not letting go of my pain, is in fact, me, transformed by it instead.
I am transformed into this new being. This being still holds the memory and remembers the pain. It does not mean that I am continually sad and wailing and lost. It means that I have endured. I have faced demons. I have battled and I continue to overcome.
I no longer cry and shiver and shake each time I talk about my trauma, so in this way, I have let it go.
I have let it go from my emotional body. The energetic imprint has shifted.
I have shifted the vibration and so its capacity to overwhelm me is diminished, so in this way I have let go of the old way that it affected me.
I don’t have so many nightmares. They have let go of the grip on my subconscious.
I am not angry about it anymore. I don’t wish it never happened anymore. I have let that go.
I don’t think it about on a daily basis, so I don’t have daily anxiety. I have let that go.
(I still have anxiety, but not every day.)
So letting go can look like lots of different things too. But you still KNOW where you came from. What shaped and moulded you.
You integrate the feelings so that they become your power source, your drive and your motivation to live a whole, peaceful and purposeful life.
The experience is a part of the whole picture of who you are. Like a piece from a jigsaw puzzle. Just one piece, but essential to the whole, for without it, the whole thing looks wrong. The abuse is one of the keys that fit into the doorway to my shadow self. Embracing the shadow is also a part of the way I heal. I cannot deny the shadow. I cannot deny my past. My way is to acknowledge the magical light of our divine spirit, and the mire of the dark shadow of our soul. And so far it’s working out ok.