I admit it….I am terrified. Somewhere between the compulsion to quit my job to write a book and the actuality of that book now cresting, I lost my nerve and I lost my vision.
I started out on fire. It felt like my whole life had been leading up to this moment in time.
THE ACHIEVEMENT OF A LIFELONG GOAL. THE FULFILMENT OF A DREAM
I can assure you, that this is not an easy road, by any means. I can easily tell you that same platitude you often hear….if I can do this, you can too. Truly though, some days, I don’t really think I can do it..
It hurts. I am afraid. This is hard. I want to run away from it. I want to give up. I want to forget about it and stop trying.
Because some days, it feels like it is all for nothing.
Other than the catharsis of purging my story onto paper….what meaning does it hold for anyone else?
Will anyone even read it? Will it even help? What the hell is the point? Do I expect to make radical changes in society or culture? There are so many books and everyone wants to be an author these days, the risk is too big. I am scaring the living daylights out of myself.
But, somehow I find that there is a continual necessity that rises in me to speak up about my abuse, and to share the wisdom that I have gained in my quest to heal, with others.
So, some days I will wake and decide, that this is it, today I am going to stop this mad business right now. And without a doubt at some stage during that day, someone will bring up abuse, or ask about what I do, and without permission from my brain, my mouth starts talking about my abuse history and how I heal with meditation and spirituality. The person inevitably says something like:
That is great. That is so needed. We need these kinds of books and stories, it could really help. There are so many people with this kind of trauma to deal with.
And I sigh a bit, nod and plant my feet firmly back on the ground. Then I take a deep breath and go….Yes I think so too. That is why I did it.
That’s one of so many reasons I called my book
The Magic and The Mire.
The Magic, being reminded of our purpose and The Mire, living in the suffering of fear.
It’s a daily, weekly, monthly….well, it’s lifetimes work. And our job is to find our own way to balance it all.
PS….it’s nearly here. Go to the shop and put in a pre-order if you are moved to do it 🙂