Bleeeerrrrrkkkkk. I feel bleeerrrkkk.
I am restless and weepy and sad and done with this human being life stuff. Be warned…this blog is a part whinge and part feeling sorry for myself today, but this past month has been one of those ‘That’s it, I give up!!’ kind of months.
I feel like a big fat fraud because I literally just launched my book and now I am having drama with the publication of it, so it and I, have gone into a limbo state. It was the biggest bravest thing I have ever done, only to have it feel like I have to keep fighting for its ability to exist. It is like it doesn’t want to be here….even though it already raised $1200 at it’s launch for my chosen charity ‘Restoring Hope” (I know, how good is that, really!)
I wanted to contribute something meaningful to the world, but instead of feeling like the world is grateful for my bravery and contribution, it is just saying…..like, whatever, no one cares lady, who the &*#$ do you think you are anyway.
Today, this month, it just feels too hard. I keep asking myself so many questions this month (wait til you see my new ‘question’ blog…it’s a doozie). The BIG question I am grappling with the most right now is….Why the hell did you write that book??
(I wrote it because it was healing for me…not because I wanted to be a famous author
I wrote it because people said it would help other people…and it really really can.
I wrote it because I felt like the universe itself was trying to push me into doing it.
I wrote it because something inside me yearned to do it
I wrote it because I know that it has a really big important message for the right people.
I wrote it because I could.)
But this world makes everything so bloody hard!
Cause, now, I am supposed to turn myself into a marketing machine, a self publishing guru, an internet and social media expert, a speaker, a PR person, an ‘authority’, an ‘expert’. I have to keep creating content and make the world try to notice me! Hang on, I just wanted to write stuff!
(Oh, and I am worth noticing, by the way. I’m a pretty nice, cool, funny, interesting, intelligent person. I have had stuff to deal with in my life and I have a way of figuring things out and making sense of that stuff. I have had some really full on stuff happen to me to. Stuff that made me wake up and go ‘Whoa, there’s some stuff going on that I need to understand…you know, energy, spirituality, freedom, rights, empowerment..Stuff like that.)
But then I get days like today (months like last month.) Today is like Throwback Thursday, except Thursday is my entire past. The way that my life has pretty much always been. Full of tension, anxiety and fear. I live with an impending sense of doom. It’s a bit like I am about to get caught doing something REALLY bad and I am going to get into HUGE trouble.
My whole life is like that. Constantly feeling like I am about to get caught out being a BAD BAD girl.
I turned 45 the other day, and you know what; I still spend most of my days trying not to do the wrong thing or say the wrong thing. I always feel like something is going to go wrong and I will be to blame for it. I will be accused of some evil thing or some irresponsible thing or some humiliating thing. Or that everyone will suddenly realise I am not a valid person, I don’t deserve to be alive or that they don’t really like me or…..I don’t know, just bbbllllleeeerrrrrkkkkk!
This is the reality of living with anxiety, depression and PTSD. It is the reality of living life as an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse, but trying to be the best version of you at the same time. In the midst of changing my life into something pretty and shiny and meaningful, I constantly battle the part of me that didn’t want to do it in the first place.
Because you know that all those things I just said, about being a caught out, or doing or saying the wrong thing; being a BAD girl; that is all the little girl who was abused still ruling (and ruining) my emotional landscape. We battle to be in charge, and a lot of the time, she wins. Her fear is stronger than my knowledge.
I battle that constant need to run away, to surrender, to give up. I get angry when I feel myself failing and then angrier for letting the victim-hood sneak back in and make me feel crappy all over again. I tell myself that I just wrote this awesome book all about how to ‘thrive’ in your life, how you can heal your terrible childhood bruises, that it is all a part of a divine challenge for your soul and that you can become more whole and empowered by entering into the darkness and learning its depths and wisdom…..until suddenly I am scared again
Scared of being noticed, scared of NOT being noticed. Scared of having a voice and using my voice. Scared of what happens after that. What if it’s nothing, what if it’s something, what if it is everything? Scared about ‘What do I do now.”
Anxiety bbbblllleeerrrkkkk!! Even when I KNOW better…..
I KNOW that our pain and suffering teach us about ourselves.
I KNOW that I am wiser and stronger for not hiding from it
I KNOW I can cope with its tricks
I KNOW it will pass
But, I also KNOW:
It sucks when it is here.
It doesn’t actually ever really go away entirely.
It will always find a new way to trick me, hurt me and confuse me.
Confound me, compound me and astound me.
But…this is life, as a human being.
That’s why I looked for different ways, different options and different perspectives.
Cause it has never made sense to me…this being a human being business.
I think there has to be more to it…
And that is why….spirituality.
This is my real life….the Magic and The Mire of it all.
Megan Freeland XOM
10% of all book sales are donated to Restoring Hope, charity that helps people affected by sexual abuse