Hey guys, it’s me. She of the erratic blog writing. I am back with my latest musings about how my life has looked lately.
The last few months have been totally crap, horrid and sucky. I got so very very lost. Honestly, I don’t really think I have found my way back entirely. But I can finally see the sun shining through the dark forest of tangled woods that has become my soul, and I have finally felt like a can take a deep cleansing breath again.
For folks like me, the pain of this world is suffocating, yet somehow intoxicating. The flow of its horribleness hypnotic. It will put you into a trance that pounds your mind with a magnetic pulsing litany of fear and doubt and struggle….I’ve been calling it ‘apathy addiction.’ Frozen in a state of abject disinterestedness, because to feel too far into the world around is to know true powerlessness.
When I set out on the journey to write, I was filled with the conviction of what I wanted to do. I had always wanted to write a book. I jumped into a vortex that lead me into a parallel dimension of life. I allowed myself to dive deeply into myself, my psyche and my subconscious. I literally held my life up for examination and shook the shit out of it. I love how writing makes me feel….I am rather bizarrely, inspired by my own writing. I know that sometimes it is complete drivel and crap…but sometimes, hidden in amongst it all, come moments of clarity and brilliance. And it is in those moments I feel like I am made whole. The swirling pieces of me and my vision of the world unite in a place of such perfection and purity that is sends my soul exploding around the universe, dancing among stars and breathing galaxies into being. The addiction and release of creative flow.
But, sometimes in the release, you find that shadow dance you entered so gracefully leaves you lost, blind and broken down again. I felt defeated and confused, because after I wrote my book, I didn’t know what to do. I got really lost in the noise of the new wild and wacky world that is the 20 teens. The rise of the entrepreneur. Of ‘live your life online’ and ‘be your own brand’ and sell your ‘self’ as a valuable commodity…seriously WTF is that. Frankly, I find that whole business rather demoralising and that it’s taking the ‘heart’ out of heartfelt, the ‘spirit’ out of spirituality and is ‘prising’ the sanity out of your mind in the name of free enterprise. A key understanding about healing through spirituality is that it is about connectedness. But no one wants real connection…unless it is over wifi.
So I gave up trying.
There is a real woman behind this blog, the book and facebook page. A very imperfect one. And my choice to try this new life, to give in to the yearning and the dreaming, has done some real things.
It released me and it set me free.
Certainly not into some magically whole and healed being…far from it. It has shown me, with ferocious and wrenching truth that the wounds of the abused are not truly able to be healed. The wounding is always a constant. The freedom comes from the acknowledgement of that…in my ability to accept it, and to not be convinced that I will never feel the wrench of its pain again. There is no pretence and pretending that I can meditate, write, sing or dance it away. And I can’t drink it or drug it to death either. I can just truly know it as a part of who I am. I can understand how it has shaped me into the person that I am. And I can be grateful for the things it forced me to learn about myself, life and the universe.
Now, I can openly say, yes I am this person with this anxiety and these depressive tendencies.
I can be angry at the disgusting foul state of humanity and the depravity of the evil side of human nature. I can know that I will be overwhelmed and lost and frankly that it just who I am. This exists as the part of who I am because I was abused. And it is the visceral experience of this darkness that makes my life one filled with colours that are somehow more vibrant and sounds that are louder, and feelings that are far too intense. So, I must cry the tears that I don’t want to shed, because I they make me feel weak and stuck in a past I wished I could erase, but without them I am not the woman who can cry tears because I truly understand and accept that the abused little girl in me will always be the part of me that is the voice of my anger, confusion and overwhelm. She is my humanity. She is my empathy. She is the part of me that connects me to life…she is the light in the dark side of me.
I am the human part of my being as much as I am the spiritual part. And the reality is that often I am more so the sad lost human part. The spiritual part of me, though, eventually charges in on a white unicorn and leads me back to the whole and balanced place where I can rest peacefully and I may even have a sing and a dance while I’m there.
We are all fighting a battle of some kind, right. My logical and rational nature fight with my divine and spiritual nature constantly. My vast creative imagination fights with the reality of daily drudgery. My willingness fights my apathy…..and these are my two great foes.
The will to keep going
The will to overcome
The will to find out if life is worth it
The will to seek more answers
The will to seek more knowledge
The will to start something new
The will to let go of pain and hurt
The will to change my mind
The will to let go
The will to be willing to try…..
I struggle endlessly with humanity itself. As a species, we are completely flawed and broken too. And I cannot fix or save it (and a lot of my anxiety stems from wondering if it is even worth saving or any kind of effort to bother trying.) Because humanity is divinity and evil co-existing in a physical manifestation. Any attempt to divide and conquer is futile. Light will not conquer dark and dark will not conquer light. They exist only because of each other.
That is the essence of what I have learned of late….a deep deep lesson. The willingness to choose. Yes, we all have choices, but we must be willing to make them. I chose to live as the woman who is not defeated by her abuse and strives to find a way to live better with it. Not ashamed or in hiding, but with the acceptance that I am a completely flawed human being and my spiritual connection saves my life and keeps me sane. It is not a saleable commodity. It is my soul’s wisdom.
When you are not willing to look away and look inside and remember your own worth, the goodness and the love in your heart, life becomes a tragedy. Melancholy rules and forgetfulness takes up residence. Acceptance of this state is the only way I can bring peace to myself. Acceptance that only through a state of balance will we find that state of peace and equilibrium we so desperately seek in the here and now of this life.
Accept the good. Accept the bad.
Choose to try to change what is out of balance for you, but do not fall into the apathy that tells you that it is not worth the effort of trying because there will be no winner or loser.
Seek not to conquer or win, seek only what brings you peace from within.