So I am getting ready for the procedure to have my adenomas removed. (If you don’t know what I am talking about, read about it here in this blog).
Honestly I am super nervous about it. I know I know, everyone keeps telling me that it is a really positive thing…I am not getting cancer and the amazing work of the doctors and researchers means that I have been saved from something that even 20 years ago was unlikely to have been found. There is a LOT to be grateful for.
My hubby is even showing how much he understands the spiritual journey. He keeps telling me that this is my life reward. The universes way of healing me. It is like the final step on the journey to heal the whole self, I have been working on the mind and spirit side of things for a long time, but my body has always held so many challenges. I hate to exercise, and the idea of having to change what I believed was a pretty healthy diet has certainly raised some difficulties, but honestly, I feel like spirit, or my higher self or whatever it may be, has kind of been sitting there, waiting for the moment when this was ready to be brought out into the open, and I have discovered I am able to just really accept it.
So let me tell you about the fear.
Firstly, when I heard about these pre-cancerous growths I felt a groundswell of terror inside of myself. This is my greatest fear. I have always had these thoughts that would swirl around inside of me that one day I was going to die a long slow horribly unpleasant death from bowel cancer. Then, suddenly, there it was. I was growing the very thing I feared so much. I am not sure if my fears were my body trying to tell me what was happening already inside me, or that my fears were creating the thing I focused my fears on. In energy work and spirituality, we believe that we create our reality through the focus of our thoughts and emotions. So, then, my fears and my thoughts were probably enough to trigger my genetic predisposition to it. Along with the many years of emotional trauma from abuse, and what I am beginning to believe is a huge problem with the food we eat and the way it is grown and processed…bang, there it all is. Reality bites.
So, I went into meditation to sit with this monster. As fear burned and tears poured down my face, I breathed in and out and counted to 4 over and over again. I looked for a space inside of myself where I was fully present and engaged in dealing with this moment. I pulled up every reserve of strength I have, and I entered my subconscious. In this place in my mind and meditation, I engage in a conversation with my self. I confront the inner child, the inner controller, the inner procrastinator and the inner avoider. I experienced and witnessed all the ways and means in which I sabotage and hold myself in this fearful space.
I visualise my higher self the perfect version of myself, my soul essence, as a body of light. That light is connected to my physical self through a golden rod. I envision my golden rod as being both of light, and as if it is actual physical gold and that it rises up through my spine, out of my head and into the space above my head where it connects to my higher self energy and through my whole body’s energy field. As my awareness moves out into the space of my energy field, I call in, using my own mental voice, the energy of my greatest source power. This is the energy that is connected to the energy field of the universe of this space/time dimension. It is where I can access insight and information, and it is also where I can access healing energy.
In this space, I asked for healing energy to infuse my cells and my blood and my tissue and to renew and regenerate all parts of my physical self. I ask for insight into ways to release the anger and resentment and fear. I ask that these feelings and emotions be transmuted into a vibration of balance for my physical self and my emotional self.
During this meditation, as I sat within my self-healing space I experienced my whole energy system turning red. I saw and felt a huge ball of pulsing red energy. My heart began pounding and I felt a sense of terror building.
I heard the words in my mind…This is it. This is your shadow, this is your fear. It is all right here in front of you.
And there I was…just looking at this angry fearful ball of pulsating, threatening red energy.
So I did the only thing I could. I took a deep breath in and I sat there with it, acknowledging it, understanding it presence. Realising how much power it had over me. I was looking at this visual throbbing manifestation of emotion and thought, sitting there inside my mind and body. Yet I was still sitting on my bed, perfectly safe. I was ok. I breathed deeply again and I shifted my awareness up through that golden rod to the higher self version of my energy that I trust and know to be just as strong and powerful as that ball of red. I smiled gently and kept on breathing. I then mentally stepped back from both places. I allowed my thoughts to quieten and I trusted that these two energies knew each other well. My choice and ability to bring through my higher self energy gave me the sense that these energies were balancing and activating changes in my system. I began to relax again and to accept that in the seeing acknowledging and allowing, without resistance, the red energy was released.
After this meditation, I found that I simply felt different everything. It felt like a switch got flicked. I did not feel like I was going to be missing out on the foods I was so attached to. I was ok with the changes I needed to make in that regard. (Don’t mention exercise though…that is still a problem….yick!!!) I am confident that my procedure will go well. I have also been finding my intuition is on super drive. I like to play little games with myself. (Like I love watching The Chaser, and I can predict accurately every single time which chaser is about to play!! I have not been wrong in 2 weeks now. I know, ooohhh super psychic ha ha).
Anyway, I am not pretending that I am totally fine, that I faced down the red angry shadow, defeated my nemesis and now I am living in luxury on a tropical island being served by muscle bound men and concocting delicious cocktails day in and day out. I have, however, experienced a deep and profound internal gear shift. This is like the deepest, strongest grounding I have ever experienced. I spend most of my life generally living in a highly disassociated ‘out there or up in the clouds’ kind of way. This situation is planting my feet firmly on the earth, in my body and changing me for the better.
Oh, and there is one other, super synchronous thing that has happened this week too. Have a quick read about how THE HOUSE OF PAIN IS GONE. (A quicker read…but definitely worth it if you LOVE synchronicities like me 🙂
Edit>> This is yet another AMAZING SYNCHRONICITY that has happened recently. Check out this blog about meeting a new friend at a circle and the story that had us both laughing and wowing!
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