Have you ever watched one of those action flicks, like John Wick or Die Hard? You know when the hero is a super amazing shoot ‘em up karate swinging type, but who also gets his ass kicked over and over and over again, to the point where you look at your boy/girl friend/husband/wife and kind of roll your eyes because, seriously, this guy should be dead by now, but he just keeps getting up and going? Then, before you know it…there is a sequel! And you are thinking WHAAAT?? Shouldn’t that guy still be in physio and going to trauma counselling, but instead, a new threat has been discovered, so he is called back into action.
I actually love these kinds of action movies. The muscle rippling, sweaty fantasy of it all. The mindless destruction and interminable spirit of an unstoppable man on a mission. Watching these guys push through ridiculous amounts of physical pain, destroy perfectly good cars, and buildings, and planes and roads, and well, you get the picture….they are superheroes. (Or psychopathic criminals…it’s a fine line people).
So, why am I talking to you about my crushes on Bruce Willis and Keanu Reeves? Because today I woke up and thought about blogging again. I stopped last year, because, well….life. The ongoing struggle I have with my anxiety, depression and my spirituality. My life story seemed to take on the structure of a sequel to an action movie.
You see, I wrote my book, then, lots of shitty things happened, and then, the worst thing of all happened. I lost faith in my spirituality. What the f@#k?! I just wrote a book about how I used spirituality to heal my sexual abuse scars and then it all started to feel wrong. The fantasy I had about feeling all empowered in my healing, showing up as a beacon of inspiration for the sexually abused and women’s empowerment just kind of withered beneath my inability to make up my mind and focus on one thing.
FEAR, baby, big fat fear. What is this new hell I have found?
That is the reality is being highly creative and living with trauma/emotional instability. I am tormented by so many ideas, an over-thinking mind, coupled with family life and the realisation that I am not nearly so brave as I thought I was found me crashing into a big fat block about what to do next with my life….and so TA DA…I manifested a crippling spiritual crisis and became trapped back in the cyclic pattern that I have been fighting for years to heal.
And that is what brought me to my crazy superhero men and there all fighting sequels. Those men remind me or myself…they had a mission. They fought hard and long, through seemingly insurmountable odds, to emerge, somewhat battered and bloodied, yet victorious. Mission accomplished. Nemesis defeated!!
Where do action heroes go to die? They don’t, they find another battle in the never-ending war. Sure, I kicked a big goal, I honed my skills and created a stronger, more stable fortress. I am now living more closely to my real self than ever before but, I had no back-up plan. No Plan B. Nothing but the void that is left when you fail to plan. You see…my life right now is the script-writing phase of the sequel to The Magic and The Mire. In my faith and trust, I left that plan B up to the universe, only to discover that what the universe had planned for me was to fall further into the rabbit hole of self sabotage, self doubt, procrastination. It wanted me to test that faith and those skills some more and remind me of that good old spiritual lesson from Shrek…layers. I am the Onion.
Look here it is. I look back now and think about why I wrote The Magic and the Mire. In amongst all the noble reasons for it, foremost, I wrote it for myself. To try to explain my life to myself and to see if it made any sense. And by the end of the writing of it, things did make sense to me. But it also scared the shit out of me too. I am proud of the book, but in reality, the process allowed deeper and deeper layers of pain to emerge. Some old wounds become scarified and toughened. Others gaped open, exposing cancerous wounds beneath that I did not even know were there. A new new level of self awareness had begun and it sent me back into the rumination of spiritual seeking. I was vividly reminded that everything is in a cycle. The vortex spun around and returned me to the shadow land with those new fears to confront.
So when all the gurus were telling me that I should be on the bandwagon marketing and creating more content, I actually went into deep spiritual, personal and emotional crisis. I had more work to do. This kind of work never really goes away. I was back busily navigating the path again, trying to determine whether I had just succeeded or failed. (Jury is still out on that btw).
That sounds kind of excusey, I know (I just made up that word…he he, poetic licence and all that) which leads me to my second confession. I wanted to be able to find a way beyond blogging to help out. To provide some kind of teaching/healing/spiritual process that I can use to help connect to and support other like-minded souls, like you my lovely readers (And to provide myself with a source of income now that I don’t have one …What, you mean I don’t get paid for writing…shocker!) I am working on it…things are brewing, they just still need some more marinading time. Besides I’ve been too busy bingeing on Netflix, contemplating time travel and quantum physics, being a mum, observing the crazy world around, meditating and generally hanging about drinking cappuccino’s.
I have done one nice thing for you though. I have created this super cute PDF. It is a script for one of my Chakra Balancing Meditations. You can read it through and get yourself all nice and energetically balanced, plus I have put in a place for you to write your thoughts and feelings or draw some imagery…whatever comes up for you!Just sign up in that box over on the right there >>
So, for now, I’ll keep writing the occasional blog, because writing helps me a lot. Whether y’all read it or not. The process of putting my fingers on the keys and sorting through the thoughts in my mind and creating a piece of work really helps me navigate my life. So my work and service for now will remain in these words on the page. Next, I am going to work on some more personal/spiritual development stuff and make a new plan. Time swallow the red pill and re-enter The Matrix a see what comes up…and Oh No…Here comes a marketty bit (ha ha another ‘non-real’ word…just doing that ‘write like I talk’ thing).
If you have not read my books, I would love to invite you to do it….I have had a few people remind me lately that they are pretty good. So if you are in Australia and you click here you will go straight to the shop on my website. I can package up The Magic and The Mire and send it to you for a totally affordable $15 including shipping. (Or download an EBook for a measley $9.99 and you don’t even have to wait…nice!)
If you are not in Australia, you can still go to the website, but the shipping is more, so even easier, you can find me on Book Depository, or Amazon just click on the links, search Megan Freeland and voila, there I am.
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